Tag Archives: Confessions

M.I.A.

Wow. You blink and almost 2 weeks goes by.

We’ve had the stomach bug here which totally sucks. Ok honestly, Ben is the only one that has been plagued by it so far. There is some serious pleading and begging towards heaven that it stops there.

You see, since I’ve been blessed with a mild case of Emetophobia (fear of vomit and all things related) I’ve become an expert at avoiding it at all costs. It’s an obsessive compulsive thing. To me, you can never be too careful or go too overboard at preventing it from spreading. I hate it that much. Just read on, you’ll see.

I’ve researched the various viruses. I know their incubation periods, how they are spread and what kills them.

I’ve purchased hospital grade cleaner in the form of wipes and spray that I tear out only when this thing shows up since normal household cleaners definitely don’t work and even bleach is known to not work on some strains. The stomach bug virus laughs in the face of normal household cleaners.

Do you see the OCD yet?

Come late Sunday night when Ben is yelling our name and has made a mess all over his bed and the carpet, instead of melting down into a state of panic and nerves like I used to (it’s been a work in progress) I jumped into gear and ‘kill’ mode.

This included being aware that little vomit droplets could be floating in the air up to 6 feet from where it happened (depending on how violent the attack was) and if inhaled could infect you. It included treating all the towels used to clean, the soiled linens etc as absolutely lethal. Anything they touch, anything they potentially cross over most likely infects it and needs to be sanitized. They should be washed not just once but twice with either bleach or special cleaner. They can last on a surface up to 2 days!

I also just assume that after the mess is cleaned up and every surface that was touched in the process is sanitized that the clothes you are wearing are also infected including your hair etc so you should strip down and shower immediately afterwards and treat those clothes as also lethal.

Leaning more towards crazy than just OCD? I know.

This process has to done each time someone throws up otherwise the likelihood that someone else in the family gets sick skyrockets.

After the poor guy was feeling better over 24 hours later I knew that it wasn’t over and I couldn’t let my guard down just yet. This is when I’m actually glad that we haven’t taught or allowed Ben to learn how to clean himself after he goes to the bathroom because I know that I can do it more efficiently with significant decrease in risk of it spreading. For about a week after, the virus is still present in the poop so hand washing and sanitizing the bathroom are still paramount.

That’s where we’re at now. And also just waiting to see if all my OCD ideas actually pay off. If one of us get’s sick (2-4 days after) I’ll know and learn that sometimes you just can’t help getting sick no matter how crazy you are. That’s just life.

But boy, how I pray that my craziness does SOMETHING. 🙂

Last night I went into a mini panic when I realized that William had used the chapstick that I gave Ben during his dehydrated time. Crap. Rookie mistake!

But as I just breathe and remind myself that there is nothing I can do and worrying about it does nothing, I was finally able to drift off to sleep.

And we are disaster free one more night.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

How I’m feeling…

OK so this is how I SHOULD be feeling.  I should feel excited about General Conference today and tomorrow. Nothing should get in the way of that. To think that there is literally a prophet who speaks with God and Jesus Christ and is commissioned to take that message to the world is super cool; as my son would say.

Christ has also called, as in olden days, 12 apostles to help guide His church in these latter days and we’ll hear from them too. Amazing!

But this is more how I am feeling this morning…

 

Poor Mr. Crabs…about to flip at any moment…I understand my little crustacean.

Why this morning? Why today do my kids drive me absolutely insane?

Or is it my problem? Why do I have zero patience and peace right now? Why does a spilled pancake and raspberry sauce all over the floor put me close to the edge when on other days it wouldn’t!?

Could it be something trying to destroy the possibility of my having an inspirational, positive experience? Probably. Or maybe I just need to grow up.

Anyway…

Here is THE link to hear these prophetic messages that will be happening today and tomorrow…Praying that I’ll be able to change my attitude before it starts.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng

It’s a real thing…

 

 

No, I don’t have a real psychological disorder.  I love to be in bed but only if I’m sleeping.

It’s because I’m pregnant…right? I can blame a lot of stuff on that.  I stay up too late because a lot of days I don’t want the next day to start so soon, I mean it seems like the few hours in the evening with my hubby are just about non existent and well most days are just about the same and besides I like to wind down at night in front of the TV.  How’s that for a list of excuses?

I’ve noticed that if I don’t get close to 10 hours of sleep, shortly after I wake up and do breakfast and scriptures I am ready for sleep again and dragging! At around 9 am!

When I do get closer to 10 hours I can tell a huge difference. Is that excessive? I remember once my medical school brother telling me that 10 hours of sleep might be too much, but I think he was talking to pre-pregnancy me.

In face I’m sure he was. I’m sure now he would tell me it’s perfectly normal for a woman of my condition to need that much sleep. Plus naps.

So, I think I’ll go take a nap.

Desire

I have such a desire to blog. I think about it a lot. Maybe it’s a desire to journal. I have been without a journal for about 6 months now. Once I filled up my last one I planned on getting a new one but it just hasn’t happened. I find writing to be very therapeutic.  But for some reason blogging just doesn’t click with me.  I wonder if it’s because I feel like each blog post has to be some amazing production.  The reality of it is my blog will never live up to what some of my favorite blogs are so in my head I think, “Why bother?” I also just feel like my life isn’t so exciting and why would anyone want to read about it?

I know that’s the wrong attitude.  So I am going to try and overcome it.  If anything blogging should be for me. Because it’s so therapeutic.

I want to post about things that are important to me, small as they may be.

I want to express my thoughts through word because heaven knows I’m not very good at it in person. Ask my husband. Am I one of the only human beings who literally can have no thoughts going on in my brain at any particular moment?

My grammar and punctuation is, I am sure, horrible! But I just can’t care about that either. And maybe, who knows, it will drive me to learn and get better.

My mom used to blog a lot. She used to love it. I used to love reading her blog. She was very good at it and I know I was one of many people who enjoyed reading it. I miss her blog and have pestered her about starting up again. Until then I will use her blog as my inspiration.  Wish me good luck. And hopefully I’ll be back soon.

Life as Expected

That’s a joke. You got that right? Life is never as expected. We’ve been anxiously waiting to move out of our apartment for months. The time was getting closer, I would try to bridle my searches of our next home. Our hopes were high, things were moving in the right direction.

Then the neighbors get the windows smashed in by a phys-co path and we’re outta there. In with my parents only very temporary while we search for the perfect rental.

Look at several, not exited. Think maybe it’s not the right thing. So we stay put for a bit longer. We start thinking about the real possibility of buying our own house. We look, we wait, we talk we have to wait so we wait some more.

Buying a house right now is not the best choice for us so we rent. Looking again, look at a few and find one!

Not at all what or where I would have expected way back in March of this year but I have to faith that things progress they way do sometimes for no reason at all but that Heavenly Father will make the best of our choices…meaning we will learn and grow in the way we’re supposed to.

If I told you I was smiling from ear to ear about renting for another year I’d be lying. I am not excited. I am not happy about being under the wrath (haha) of another landlord. I am not excited about not having the freedom to do what I want with the space we’re living in.

But I am excited about having own space again and A LOT more of it. Our last apartment was about 800 sq ft I believe.

I have LOVED living with my parents. The boys have LOVED IT even more. The yard here is dreamy. I can nap on the couch while they play outside and not even have one little worry. I could go on about why we have loved it but it’s just time to move on.  I need to nest.

Another thing that was not expected was that we are having another baby BOY! I really was smart enough not get my hopes up either way, sure a girl would have been so fun but I knew there was just a good of change that it was a boy. Somehow still when that sonogram revealed the gender I was surprised!

But boy am I excited.

I always wanted all boys!!

So here is to the next several months where the expectations I have of Ben going to kindergarten and William to preschool, the new house, the new baby and our financial status will probably be totally wrong! But right!

In the words of Catherine Thomas, “What is, is right.”

It’s Pajama Time!

The moon is up, it’s getting late. Let’s get ready to celebrate. It’s pajama time! 

Pull on the bottoms, put on the top. Get yourself set to pajama-dee-bop! It’s pajama time!

Now some are old, and some are new. Some are red and some are blue. some are fuzzy, some are not. But we can all pajammy in whatever we’ve got. It’s pajama time! 

Some are pink and some are green. Some are the ugliest you’ve ever seen. They might be stripey, or polka dot. But we can all pajammy in whatever we’ve got! It’s pajama time!

Pajammy to the left, pajammy to the right. Everybody’s wearing them for dancing tonight! 

Now all around the room in one big line, wearing our pajamas and looking so fine! It’s pajama time!

Hop into bed and turn out the light, you can have a party in your dreams tonight. It’s pajama time! hush hush. It’s pajama time! hush hush It’s pajama time. SHhhhhhhhh Good night. Sleep tight.”

Pajama Time by Sandra Boynton

This book was one of the boys favorite books when they were younger. They loved it right to death actually.

My kids don’t get new clothes very often, and new jammies?! Even less.

We have those footie jammies that we all love and when they outgrow them we just snip off the feet and they become footless jammies! Problem solved! They will last at least another 3 months or more! Sweet!

But we’ve come to a dilemma. They are both at that stage where if needed they can go to the bathroom all by themselves without mom or dad’s assistance, especially in the middle of the night.

However it quickly became apparent that with the zip up jammies this was a bit too difficult. William especially could not get the jammies back on by himself so he would inevitably wake us up.

Sleep is a sacred thing here, for David mostly so we bit the bullet and went jammy shopping! This was easier than taking the effort of teaching the skill of zip up jammies.

The boys were ecstatic! 

It was like Christmas around here again. And now they can’t hide their pleasure everytime it’s jammy time. William has even been seen (on days we don’t make it out of our jammies) to change into a different pair just out of sheer excitement. Like the beloved book says, It’s pajama time! Party time!

Oh the little things. Got to love new jammies. Gotta love these boys.

Humility & Learning

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post about the importance of sleep in our family and how I feel it’s blessed our lives. It was also about healthy eating and with these two tools combined how we had been blessed to be very healthy. My boys had experienced very little sickness up to that point.

Oh boy have these past few months been a humbling experience. This is what I said…

“So take it from someone whose two beautiful boys are confidently the healthiest kids on the block…”

HA!

This year I am confident that we have been the SICKEST family on the block.

Ya we still sleep lots and eat super healthy and I’m certain it’s helped each illness be shorter than it could have been but man it certainly hasn’t kept us from picking up EVERY single bug that’s out there this year!

One or two of us has been sick every day since Christmas Eve.

At this moment it’s my turn again. Crazy chest congestion.

I used to look at families that were sick all the time and wonder how they got through it. Seriously I used to think if that were me I would literally die. I know, I’m so dramatic.

The positive of this cold/flu season is that it has taught me that I can make it through alright. I’m actually stronger than I thought. But I guess when we have to we receive the strength we need. We have survived and we’re actually OK! It’s not all as bad as I imagined…which was pretty scary. Cuz don’t get me wrong, it’s been horrible.

But it’s made me appreciate health even more than I already did. It’s made me appreciate sunshine and snuggles with my little ones because it’s forced us to slow down.  It’s helped me be grateful for the little things again.

As much as I dislike our little apartment sometimes I am grateful for the big sliding glass doors that let in SO much sunlight in the winter afternoons. I could sit there all day long in that happy heat.

So yes. I have been humbled this year. I have learned a lot this year in regards to this one little area. I have so much more to learn.

In other news my adorable hubby has made even more progress with his hips/back.  Like I’ve described before he’s a big onion and the next problem to be solved sometimes isn’t revealed until the previous one has been peeled off or solved. He’s confident that he’s on his last layer which is this last muscle that needs to be rolled out. His sleep has gotten so much better and his overall pain levels are so small that it’s very exciting.

Here he is rolling the muscle in question on the big ball and it’s causing so much discomfort that it makes him sweat which is why his shirt is off. Poor guy. But I am constantly amazed at his stamina.

This road is definitely not the quick fix.  It’s not the easy route. It’s been over 2 years. Minimal to no drugs, no surgeries, nothing but lots of research, trial and error, determination, exercise and hard work and more determination. But pretty soon he will be able to say he cured a very serious back and hip problem with just those things. And will still have full use of all his muscles and bones. He amazes me. And I know because of this experience he will be able to help those that want to figure out their own back problems without drugs or surgery.

He has had his share of illness this season too but considering how little sleep he gets each night it’s a straight up miracle that it’s not been more over the past 2 years. I know God has blessed him in that regard.

I am grateful for these trials that we’ve had because of what they’ve taught us.

Is it OK to say that I hope this year is better though?!

 

Quiet Time

Sometimes as a mom I hear myself say the words, “please leave mommy alone for a minute”. Or “no, I don’t want your help, I want to do this by myself”.

I said these things yesterday when I wanted to sit down for a minute and have a few calm quiet moments with my adult coring book and some music.

But the moment I sit down and engage in something for me it’s like a magnet for little hands and eyes. After saying those phrases that I am not so proud of in response to “mom can I help you? Mom can I see?” I hear, “mom can we just sit and watch you?”

Break my heart. What kind of person am I? My boys just want to spend time with me and be around me, can’t I just take it as a compliment?

So I let them sit on the couch with me and they watch.

Eventually I tear out some pages of my coloring book to give them and they commence to quietly color next to me…For the next half hour. Magical!

It ended up being a wonderful memory making time and turns out I have some talented boys! This is from my 4 yr old who didn’t receive any input or help from me.

I love them so much even if they do drive me crazy sometimes and I think it’s safe to say that they love me too which is all I need to know to keep going, doing my best.

Continue reading Quiet Time

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Today I had to teach the lesson in Relief Society. Yes, had to. I don’t really enjoy it much. I can’t figure this one out. I LOVED teaching on the mission….absolutely loved it. When I came home and received my calling to teach in our singles ward relief society and it was a total disaster the two times I did it I was taken aback. Not that I expected to be amazing but I guess I figured since I had become an OK teacher as a missionary I could do relief society easy.

Wrong. What is it about teaching members that is so difficult for me?! I have genuinely turned into a HORRIBLE teacher. My ability to form words for the purpose of portraying my thoughts is null. I’ve gone through it all…I care too much what others think, I don’t care enough, I don’t have the spirit with me, I don’t prepare enough, I prepare too much. I’ve tried all of these things and tried changing things but I still have much to learn.

I wish I could say I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn but I really can’t. I do love the time that I get to prep my lesson and the things that I learn personally during that time but when it comes time to teach those things I get lost.

It’s ironic because today my lesson was about how we can make sure to return to Heavenly Father and what the purpose of our weaknesses are. I know what the answer is and I know this is a weakness of mine that I should be excited about being able to overcome and turn into a strength. But why is it so hard! Gah!

Also I just feel so terrible that so many innocent sisters have to suffer through it with me by listening to me ramble.

I love Ether 12:27 …And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I just need to remember to keep coming unto Him in prayer and study to help me turn this weakness into a strength. I need to remember that being aware of weaknesses and a desire to improve them is a sign that I am on the right path. If I’m just floating along thinking that I’m doing pretty good then I probably wont progress as much as my Heavenly Father intends.

I also need to remember to not be so hard on myself. If I keep trying…I’ll get there.

I hope.

Or maybe we’ll just move. 🙂 hehe

Identity Crisis

You’ve heard it said before that when you become a mom you lose your identity as it gets swallowed up in all that is being MOM. Who are you anymore? What did you like to do in your spare time before besides sleep ? Were you pleasant to be around? Did you once know how to interact with other adults? Can you do it again? What kind of clothing style did I have? What’s my style now besides sweatpants and t-shirts? These are questions that I and I am sure other mom’s have asked themselves…at least I really hope I’m not the only one.

These questions come up in phases for me. I feel like I’ll have an identity crisis but then it goes away for a while and I am fine and feel great about life but now and then it will come up again. Because of this reoccurring pattern I deciding I needed to dig a little deeper.

This time around when the questions starting coming up again in my mom brain, I decided to talk to my wonderful husband about it. He is always a good listener when I need it and is also full of good advice.

It really came down to the sad and maybe pathetic fact that I really have no interests and hobbies outside being a mom! Sure, I like to cook and I’m not half bad as my husband enthusiastically pointed out but that for me is not part of my identity in that it makes me feel complete or like I am progressing. It is more something I do because I feel like I have to…because I WANT to give my family the best options as far as food and nutrition. I am happy to do it because then I sleep at night knowing they are healthy. I’m just weird like that. But it’s not a passion…something that I WANT to do just because it makes me happy and I have a genuine interest in it.

Make sense?

I also discovered talking with the hubster that it’s possible I never really ‘found myself’ in my college years. It was still definitely a time of growth and figuring the world out. The only time I identified with myself the most and was the most happy about my purpose and passion was when I was called ‘Sister Stephenson’. After that I feel like I was methodically thrown into wife-hood and motherhood.

Don’t worry about me…we are not talking about a serious identity crisis here. Just one that makes it clear I never really nourished or cultivated any real interest or hobbies in my growing up years. There was piano which I love and will get back soon when my piano can get repaired. But there really wasn’t much else that as an adult I took interest in and ‘blossomed’ on my own.

So!!! What does this all mean?!

Now the time has come!!!

Tacky as this may seem, a couple of hours were spent on websites found by typing in ‘Lists of Interests/Hobbies’ into Google. Ahahahahaha I know. Good ‘ol Google.

But it got the juices flowing. And I definitely was able to rule out the ones that I knew wouldn’t bring my any interest or happiness.

And despite my downer sort of uncertainty I did get almost a full page of interests copied down! I am so excited now!

Part of my hang up after I figured this out was how do you choose the right one? Which one is the most important? Especially since none of them seemed life changing or society impacting. But again my wise husband assured me that there is no such thing as one more important than another. As long as it makes me happy and it’s good then somehow, someday the Lord will use those experiences I had for good in helping others or myself.

So here is what I do know that I love and have interest in but will be put off until a future time mostly for financial purposes.

  1. Gardening – although I could do some reading in this area to learn more methods and terminology.
  2. Landscape gardening – This is what my dad has his degree in and is verrry good at it. Maybe some of it passed down!?
  3. HORSES! – ’nuff said
  4. Ballet
  5. Shooting – maybe even competitively? On horses?! AH!  How fun!
  6. Ju Jitzu
  7. Becoming a personal certified trainer – who focuses more on the nutrition side of things.
  8. Hosting parties – duh!
  9. Learning languages – Chinese is first! I could also do this currently but I feel that it would be better done at a later time.

But here is my list of interests/hobbies that I am able to do at this very moment!

  1. Breakmaking! I’ve been dabbling but now I’m not holding back anymore! Books are ordered and tools will be purchased. And the focus is on 100% whole wheat of course!
  2. Creative writing – because writing is fun and healthy. But I wouldn’t say that I’m very good at it. I need inspiration. And probably a revisit to grammar school.
  3. Dance/choreography – specifically hip hop or similar…this is one of those seemingly unimportant ones but to be able to move comfortably and not look like a string bean would make me happy. I love dance.
  4. Interior Decorating – Some research and study is all it would take and someday with a home is when I could try things out. Before really thinking about it I never thought I would be the type to be interested in Interior Decorating but after binge watching ‘Fixer Upper’ on Netflix with my husband it has sparked an interest in finding my own decorating style.
  5. Blogging!
  6. Meditation – something that I have come to feel is really beneficial and important to practice. But it’s pretty difficult so practice and become proficient I will!!!
  7. Piano
  8. Missionary Work – always praying for opportunities is all it takes!
  9. Education – this one would include becoming a proficient in Geography, math, nutrition and learning calligraphy or just bettering my handwriting overall.

Are you surprised powerlifting isn’t included in this list? Me too. I am still struggling with that one. Maybe in a different time of my life it will become a hobby again.

This whole mom thing is a journey and things change all the time! I feel like this discovery is really going to enrich my life and I hope that future identity crisis’ are non existent or at least less often. Cheers to finding myself as I fight thru the high and lows of these hobbies and experiences!

Have you ever had an identity crisis? What are your interests that give you purpose and happiness?